The French Revolution has been going on for three years now. In a surprising turn of events everyone is continuing to have the Worcestershire of times. Louis XVI still sits on the throne but it is now a constitutional monarchy rather than an absolute one, meaning that the king has very little actual power. Citizen patriots are everywhere, and in the spirit of Liberty and Equality they stop every single traveler at numerous checkpoints, question them, sometimes detain them, and sometimes turn them back. Now that they have gotten rid of that pesky oppression of the aristocracy, the common folk have more opportunities to oppress each other.

More important than oppressing each other though is hassling Darnay the emigrant, as he is called. He has been attempting to make his way to Paris but has been stopped twenty times a day, forced to backtrack, detained, and otherwise stuck in rush hour traffic. The roads are pretty crappy so there are construction zones everywhere. The whole country is basically the 290 freeway in Houston.

He stops at a small inn and is awoken in the middle of the night by more patriots who tell him that they have graciously decided to let him pay them for an escort to Paris. He declines but they insist that they are far too magnanimous to take no for an answer so off they go at 3 AM in the rain. Traveling in the middle of the night seems to be a theme in this book. It is clearly a wise course of action given the poor state of the roads.

They get into the town of Beauvais (which is coincidentally where Dr. Manette is from) and it turns out the escort is probably a good idea because the townsfolk reeeeaaaallly don’t like Darnay. They all shout that he should get killed right then and there and his escort protecc by telling them he will be tried in Paris. Turns out a decree was passed the day he left England marking all emigrants traitors and their property forfeit. You know what they say: misfortune favors the bold. At least I think that’s how it goes. I’ve been reading up on the French Revolution and turns out it is actually immensely complicated, and there are good reasons why emigrants are so feared, but to explain it would be a  whole thing and distract us from the story at hand. In any event it suddenly makes sense why they ride at night if everyone they encounter goes full on Salem Witch Trials mode when they see him. Finally they arrive at the gates of Paris:

Guard: Papers for the prisoner please.

Darnay: Um, not a prisoner, and I paid for this escort.

Guard: Papers for the prisoner please.

They produce the papers and confer for a while.

Guard: Right then, off to La Force Prison for you then!

Darnay: Wait, what? I haven’t broken any laws.

Guard: Oh we just made some new laws, especially for you. Off you go now.

Defarge just so happens to be his escort to the prison:

Defarge: You’re the guy who married Dr. Manette’s daughter, right?

Darnay: Yep, see, I’m a decent Frenchman like yourself.

Defarge: Oh no, not like me. You’re scummy scum because you’re an aristocrat. What are you even doing here?

Darnay: Gotta do my buddy a solid and get him out of prison.

Defarge: As far as plans go, that is not a good one. You appear to be doing the exact opposite of getting someone out of prison.

Darnay: Well could you at least tell Mr. Lorry at Tellson’s Bank they threw me in jail?

Defarge: I could, but I won’t.

They walk in silence while Darnay has increasing regurts about having left England. They arrive at the La Force and he is handed off to the warden who escorts him up to solitary confinement. On the plus side, to get there he walks through a room full of fellow aristocratic prisoners who all raise their pinkies and brag about being pompous, so that helps him feel…um…well, nothing really. Also his straw mattress if full of bed bugs and if he wants to eat he has to buy his food, so things are coming along quite predictably.

To give some background: Prussian and Austrian forces were gathering at the borders because France was clearly unstable and they wanted to prepare for violence spilling over to their countries. France saw this as a sign of aggression so they started amassing an army, which actually lead to Prussia and Austria invading. The invaders were repelled but it led to a whole kerfuffle that eventually culminated in Napoleon and his shenanigans, but that is another story. In any case, at this point in our story, the current “government” (and I use this term loosely as it has as much turnover as my local McDonald’s, and was marked by factional violence) put out a call to arms on 2 September 1792 and everyone was afraid that if they all marched off to face the Austrians, then counter revolutionaries would infiltrate the city and take over while it was unguarded. Since the aristocracy was about as counter revolutionary as it got, everyone stormed the prisons and had a stabfest. This later became known as The September Massacres – a four day killing spree where around 1,100 prisoners were summarily executed and there was widespread slaughter in the prisons.

Anyway, back to our story  – Tellson’s Bank office in Paris is located in a wing of Monseigneur Hot Chocolate’s mansion. He skittered off at the beginning of all this and GTFO of the country, so now his mansion is a party house, proper English bankers notwithstanding. Mr. Lorry sits in his office thinking about how glad he is that no one dear to him is in the city when Lucie and her father come bursting in. They know Darnay is there imprisoned and have come to rescue him, which is rather unfortunate timing as it is the middle of the Massacre.

Lorry tells Lucie to go hide in his bedroom while he shows Manette a giant grindstone in the mansion courtyard where blood smeared patriots clamor to sharpen their blades to earn their participation trophies in the stabathon. Manette rushes out to rescue Darnay. Turns out being a prisoner of the Bastille gives him celebrity status so he gets the crazed mob to help him in his rescue attempt. Off to La Force for a rescue adventure!

Lucie has brought along Little Lucie and Miss Pross. This is a responsible decision given the precarious state of the country, so it’s probably for the best she didn’t leave them safely in England. Mr. Lorry, being a man of business, abhors the idea of them staying with him lest it damage the reputation of Tellson’s, so he goes out to find them lodgings in the least stabby part of town he can. They get settled and he heads back to the bank. Then who shows up? the Defarges and The Vengeance! They have a note for Lucie from Darnay and ask to deliver it in person so Madame Defarge can see and recognize Lucie and friends should the need arise. They deliver the note and Lucie is so happy know he is safe.

Lucie: Oh thank you so much!

Madame Defarge: …

L: You are truly wonderful!

M: …

L: You are gradually starting to seem more ominous.

M: ….

L: Well can you at least promise to help my husband?

M: Your husband is not my concern, I am here to take note of you.

L: to protect me, right?

M: …

L: I’m begging you as a mother.

M: I’ve seen lots of mothers suffer and die since I was born.

L: This is definitely now sounding ominous.

M: We are done here. Goodbye.

Also she is knitting the whole time. Every part of this interaction was cheerful.

After four days, Dr. Manette returns and tells Mr. Lorry that he had arrived at La Force to find a self appointed tribunal meting out arbitrary punishments or dismissals on the prisoners one at a time. Defarge was one of the judges and vouched that Manette was indeed a prisoner of the Bastille, and they bring out Darnay for him to plead his case. They were about to release him when they change their mind because mumble mumble reasons. They sent him back to his cell and Manette got permission to guard him until the stabathon had reached its pledge drive goal and everyone who participated gets their NPR “World’s most macabre chapter in French history” coffee mug.

They settle in to play the long game and try to free Darnay. All the veneration Dr. Manette receives as a Bastille prisoner turns his old traumas into a strength and he has a new found resolve. I’m so glad Darnay chose to go to France to rescue his friend because it has really turned out well for him. He has successfully remained not dead. In prison still, but not dead, so baby steps. Manette becomes the attending physician of the prison and brings news to and from Darnay and Lucie. Public opinion being what it is though, he is about as successful at freeing Darnay as Darnay is at freeing his old servant.

A year and three months go by while the Reign of Terror rages. This is a period of the French Revolution when the guillotine was in full swing. Well, less swing and more drop I suppose. Jokes are made “of the sharp female called La Guillotine…it was the best cure for a headache, it was an infallible cure for turning the hair grey, it imparted a peculiar delicacy to the complexion, it was the National Razor that cut close.” I guess it being a laugh or cry sort of situation, they took my approach and dark humored their way through. Still no luck for Darnay though, but Manette is now well known and well respected for his doctoring.

Darnay continues to be successfully not dead while Manette and Lucie settle into routine. One day Manette tells Lucie there is a particular window that Darnay can sometimes visit at three in the afternoon, and if she stands in just the right spot he can see her. She can’t see him, but he can maybe see her. She decides to start standing there every day in hopes of cheering him up. A great poet of the time, Madame Parton, even wrote a song about it:

Standing 2 to 4
What a way to make a living. 

Said spot happens to right next to the hovel of a woodcutter making logs for the fireplace. It is none other than Jacques the Road Mender, who now calls himself “Samson of the Firewood Guillotine” and happily saws the heads off imaginary people while singing. How wholesome. He is curious why she is there but always says “None of my business” even though he clearly wants to make it his business.

A full year of this goes by, then one day there is a huge celebration because the Catholic Church has been renounced in favor of “Liberty, Equality, Fraternity, or Death”, which is the motto of the revolution (this is real). They all dance La Carmagnole in the streets, which is basically French square dancing. After they pass Manette comes by to tell her that Darnay’s hearing is scheduled for the next day and they need to preparate. Preperate, by the way, is an actual word. It is what you do to make preparations. You aren’t making “prepartions” after all, like you would when you prepare. It’s like prepare but with a bit of extra flair. Like, super prepare. Like, taking Preparation H while you prepare. Or something.

If you would like to hear La Carmagnole in all it’s squaredanceable glory, you can do so here: https://revolution.chnm.org/d/624

Darnay and twenty-two other prisoners are called the evening before to go to the Conciergerie (a special jail for those about to stand trial) , but only twenty actually respond, since one died in jail and two had already been guillotined. Isn’t that cheery?

The next day, he is sixteenth in line to be judged. The first fifteen took a grand total of an hour and a half combined and all of them were sentenced to death. Again, super cheerful time. Finally he is called:

Judges: You are an emigrant, correct?

Darnay: Yes and no.

Crowd: KILL HIM

Judges: Explain

Darnay: I left cuz I hate the aristocracy and I was set to BE the aristocracy, which is decidedly not cool.

Crowd: STILL PROBABLY KILL HIM!

Judges: Then why did you come back?

Darnay: To do my boy Gabelle a solid and get him un-arrested. Is that a crime?

[Gabelle comes in to corroborate]

Crowd: WE ARE STARTING TO WARM UP TO HIM!

Judges: Is it true you married while in England?

Darnay: Yes, to a French citizen by birth. The daughter of Dr. Manette actually.

Crowd: DR. MANETTE!?!?! WE LOVE THAT GUY!!!

Judges: Dr. Manette, is this true?

Manette: Yeah and the British reeeaaallly hated my man Darnay…er…Monsieur Evrémonde. They put him on trial for liking the Americans and everything.

Crowd: OKAY WE CHANGED OUR MINDS AND NOW LIKE DARNAY!!!

And with that Darnay is free! Gabelle politely points out that now that his story is corroborated he would quite like to be freed as well, if it isn’t too much trouble. Dickens is a bit vague on whether he is or not. Anyway, TBH I didn’t expect Darnay to actually be freed. Figured he was the dude who gets executed at the end with the whole “I only have one life to give!” and all that. I dunno, maybe he still is. We still have seventy pages to go after all.

He gets released and the crowd steals a chair from the courtroom to use as a palanquin for Darnay to get carried triumphantly home. When they arrive at the courtyard of Monsieur Hot Chocolate he embraces Lucie while the crowd all starts squaredancing. Darnay and Lucie go up to have a celebratory squaredance of their own, if you know what I mean.

Living in Paris is a major bummer these days. They see lots of people sentenced to death on little more than suspicion, informants are all around, they have to stay poor so they don’t attract attention or jealousy, and they have mandatory square dancing.

Miss Pross and Mr. Cruncher refuse to learn French on principle, so naturally they are the best fits for running errands like picking up groceries. Pross haggles by holding up one fewer finger than the merchant regardless of the number of fingers or the item in question and by generally being intimidating.

They go out to market the evening after Darnay’s release and then guards rush in to re-arrest Darnay! I knew he was gon’ get deaded. Someone has denounced him, and it turns out to be the Defarges and one other mystery person! And here they seemed cool at first. I guess someone peed in their Cheerios.

While Darnay Arrest 2: Electric Boogaloo is going down at the homestead, Pross and Cruncher are out shopping. They stop in a wineshop to pick up some celebratory wine for supper, and who do they find but Pross’s brother Solomon! She screams in surprise, causes a huge scene, and Solomon takes them out to the street to chat about how she has totally blown his cover. Turns out Solomon is actually John Barsad, the spy who tried to frame Darnay along with Roger Cly back at the beginning of the book. Well, more like John Barsad is actually Solomon I suppose, but still. And who should join this fun conversation other than Mr. Carton!

Carton informs Barsad/Solomon that he knows him to be a spy, and invites/threatens him to continue their conversation at Tellson’s Bank. Barsad grudgingly agrees, mostly so that Pross will stop making an embarassing scene. They drop Miss Pross off by her street, and then go visit Mr. Lorry at the bank. Carton goes on to explain that he followed him from the prison where Darnay was delivered to the wine shop then eavesdropped while he spoke to Roger Cly. Barsad denies this, saying that Cly is dead he has the burial papers to prove it. Jerry, who has been practicing his lurking skills in the corner, bursts in to state that he knows for a fact Cly was never buried, and the coffin was just full of paving stones. How does he know this? Don’t worry about it, but he does.

Remember when Jerry went “fishing” and Crunchito followed him only to be chased home by the spooky coffin? Well that explains why Jerry was so mad at his wife for foiling his “fishing” plans. Cly faked his own death.

Anyway, Carton threatens to expose Barsad as a spying spy who spies spyingly unless he helps him. Deciding that it would be best not to lose his head, Barsad agrees. The two go into a room for a private chat about what that help will entail. What will the help be? Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion to Tale of Two Cities!!!