PART VI
CAPTAIN SILVER

XXVIII
IN THE ENEMY’S CAMP

Before he can escape from this wretched hive of scum and villainy, Jim is grabbed and held firm in the corner. Long John sits him down and lights his pipe, because it will take a while to talk, owing the the necessary addition of pirate jargon. Lots of me hearties and yo-ho-ho’s and all that. He says “And you can lay to that!” every couple of sentences meaning “That was a totally truthful statement that I just said, so you best believe it.” This makes him sound extra trustworthy, because most actually trustworthy people feel the need to reiterate how trustworthy they are all the time.

Silver: Well well well. I knew you were smart, but stealing the whole ship just flabbers me gasters. Now let me break it down like a fraction for you, your friends are gone, and they all hate you, and you can lay to that. They won’t have you back, so unless you want to start your own little party all by your onesies you’ll have yo throw in with us.

Jim: So I get to choose?

Silver: Of course, and you can lay to that. I will just lay that “choice” with ominous overtones.

Jim: Right, Well, tell me what happened to my friends.

Silver: Well, yesterday morning down came Dr. Livesey with a flag of truce. He pointed out that our ship was gone. We may or may not have been super drunk and overlooked this small detail. Anyway, Livesey traded away the stockade and all the stores, in exchange for safe passage to wherever they decided to go on this island. His last words were “I am super bummed Jim left us, and he is totes dead to me. He should probably stay with you if you see him.” And you can lay to that.

Jim: Okay, thanks for the deets. Now it’s time to give YOU a choice. I hid in the apple barrel the night you planned your mutiny and heard it all. I told the rest of the honest crew, and we all stole all those provisions right from under you. Also I stole your ship and you’ll never find it.

Pirates in unison: Gasp!

Jim: So, now you either kill me and profit nothing, or give up and I will let bygones be bygones and advocate that you not get executed when you are put on trial back in England.

Pirates in unison: Gasp! So, murdering time?

Silver: No, not murdering time yet!

You see, it has just occurred to Silver that the whole “losing the ship” thing has put him in ill favor with the pirates, so keeping Jim alive might be an advantageous way to play both sides so that neither kills him. He then proceeds to threaten to kill anyone who tries to harm Jim. They are less than pleased at this development, as they have a hankering for murder. All the pirates step out for a conference to decide if they want Silver to stay captain while Silver and Jim stay in the house.

Silver: Right, so they are definitely going to decide to kill us.

Jim: Us?

Silver: Yeah, were besties now, remember?

Jim: …..Right.

Silver: That’s the deal. Remember? I shift to your side, and you keep me from hanging. Then we deal with these last few pirates that I don’t trust at all, even though I told all of them I trusted them at one point or another in this book. You see, I’ve double crossed just about everyone so far, but you can totally trust me not to betray you. And you can lay to that. Also, I have the treasure map.

Who will Silver betray next? How will our hero escape? All this and more will hopefully be answered at some point.

XXIX
THE BLACK SPOT AGAIN

The soon-to-be mutineers against Silver are hanging out outside around a torch having a conversation that is likely painfully dimwitted, as their combined IQ is equal to, or lesser than, that of a grapefruit. They are stooping around a book, which is surprising, since it implies literacy.

I would like to take a moment to point out the super creepy, mummy looking pirate in the background here.

One of them, Morgan (who I am assuming is creepy mummy dude), returns to the house to hand Silver a black spot on a piece of paper torn from the book, which happens to be a Bible.

Seriously? These pirates aren’t just a little stitious, they are SUPER stitious. They still think cutting a page out of a Bible is a good idea? Just look what happened to Mummy Dude. I mean, it was kind of a given they are all gonna die before the book ends, but now they are gonna extra die. Like Double plus dead. Like, they’re gonna be so dead, they’re gonna wish they weren’t so dead. No-sequel-for-them level dead.

Silver: Black Spot eh? Well, according to the pirate rules that have not been introduced in this book, and thus may or may not be historically accurate, you get to tell me all your grievances, and I get to respond. After that we will have a continuation of the plot. Probably an action scene.

Morgan: Right, well, we have four grievances: 1) You messed up this whole trip. 2) You let Smollett and friends leave the stockade, 3) You didn’t shoot them while they were leaving, and 4) This boy annoys me.

Silver: 2 and 3 are basically the same grievances, so I will address them all together by just doing a “Whataboutism?” to you instead of actually addressing anything.

Morgan: Well played. But why not kill the boy?

Silver: Hostages are valuable, yo. Plus, to distract you from figuring out I really haven’t answered anything, here is the treasure map. And with that, I resign. Let’s elect a new captain.

Morgan: Wow, you are such a skilled orator that even though this is mostly your fault, your charisma overshadows any actual skill you might have. We elect you as Captain! Again!

Silver: Well that is very gracious of you. I readily accept command of my intellectually stunted companions!

XXX
ON PAROLE

After a comfy cozy night of snuggling with pirates, Jim awakens to the doctor making a “house” call for all the injured pirates. The doctor is surprised to find Jim, but attends to the “patients” first. Wasn’t he on Team “Let’s Injure Or Kill the Pirates” last time we saw him? Now he is making a house call to a place he willingly surrendered? It’s almost as if ol’ Long John Silver isn’t telling us the whole story. And you can lay to that.

One of the pirates has come down with fever. The doc points out that, despite popular belief, making camp in the middle of a swamp is a poor life choice. After his rounds are complete, he asks to speak Jim in private. Silver agrees to let the Doctor climb to the far side of the fence, then he will accompany Jim to the near side and they converse through the fence. As soon as the doctor leaves,

The explosion of disapproval, which nothing but Silver’s black looks had restrained, broke out immediately the doctor had left the house. Silver was roundly accused of playing double – of trying to make a separate peace for himself – of sacrificing the interests of his accomplices and victims; and, in one word, of the identical, exact thing he was doing.

He counters these arguments mostly by barking louder than them, rather than by presenting any rationale counter argument. Sadly this appears to be an effective form of argument all too often, both in this book and in real life.

After barking the crew into silence, he walks Jim down to the fence. He explains that he is resigned to the fact he now faces 1) death at the hands of the pirates for playing both sides, or 2) the gallows. To that end he spends two full pages explaining how the fact that he saved Jim’s life, plus let the doctor live and mumble mumble something about lay to that, and that all this should be taken into account during his trial. He then  moseys back to the cabin where he can keep an eye on both parties.

Doc Livesey: I am much disappoint Jim.

Jim: Yeah, me too. I am gonna throw a quick pity party about how I don’t deserve to live instead of jumping to the part about how I stole the ship back.

Doc Livesey: Actually, skipping to that part will save the reader tedium when my disapproving attituded does a one-eighty upon discovering how you saved us.

Jim: Oh, well, yeah. I guess there’s that.

Doc Livesey: Well, come on then, hop the fence and we’ll make a break for it.

Jim: Nah, I gave Long John my word I would stay.

Doc Livesey: Ah, curse you and your misguided sense of honor.

Jim: Don’t worry, as I am the main character, my survival is assured.

At this point Silver walks back, tapping his anachronistic wrist watch to indicate time was up.

Silver: Well, that was fun. We’re off to find treasure now.

Doc Livesey: That is inadvisable. Watch out for gales if you do.

Silver: That sounds vague and ominous.

Doc Livesey: Oh, also, keep the boy close. If you run into trouble just holler.

Silver: Again, vague and ominous.

Doc Livesey: Have fun, I am off to seek the thing.

Silver: Dude…

Doc Livesey: Tootles!

Who will Silver betray next, the pirates or our heroes? What ominous, vague threat awaits Long John Silver? Will Jim actually post the next blog on time? Find out next week on The Quick Version!