Pride and Prejudice
Or
A Gentleman’s Guide to Annoying Women Into Marrying You
A long-winded summary by Jim Brewster
Dramatis Personae
(In mostly order of appearance)
Mr. Bennet – Likes to mess with people for funsies. Definitely the best character in the book.
Mrs. Bennet – Exists solely to be a Nervous Nelly and see her daughters get married to rich people. Doesn’t like to play favorites, but Elizabeth is definitely her least favorite.
Jane Bennet – The prettiest of the Bennet daughters. Also the most boring. Blah blah blah, I’m responsible.
Elizabeth Bennet – Wha-ev-ah, I do what I want.
Mary Bennet – Everyone forgets this daughter exists, even the author. She is probably off reading a book somewhere.
Catherine and Lydia Bennet – Grouped together because they are basically the Rosencrantz and Guildenstern of this book. Always together, fairly unimportant for most of the book, probably die at the end. Also obsessed with British officers.
Mr. Darcy – From what I am told, eventually realizes there is more to life than being really, really, really ridiculously good looking.
Mr. Bingley – Super nice, super rich, super into Jane.
Miss Bingley – Hates Elizabeth in much the same way she adores Jane.
Mrs. Hurst – Kind of just there to second everything Miss Bingley says.
Mr. Hurst – Has a brain cell. Not sure where he put it.
Miss Lucas – Elizabeth’s bestie.
Mr. Collins – Oh my dear sweet baby Jesus. This man never stops talking about how amazingly humble he is.
Mrs. Philips – Mrs. Bennet’s sister and pretty much just as extra. Her full time job is gossiping.
Lady Catherine De Bourgh – Holds the world record for the most disdain per kilogram ratio in any human. Has impressively well-developed scowling muscles. Has endless tips on how you, too, can be very unlikeable.
Miss De Bourgh – Lady De Bourgh’s sickly daughter who is only slightly more important to the story than Mary.
Mr. Wickham – Is unable to realize there is more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking.
Mr. Gardiner – Mrs. Bennet’s brother. He inherited all the brain cells in the family, leaving his sister with only one.
Mrs. Gardiner – Mr. Gardiner’s wife and besties with Elizabeth.
Chapter I
New neighbors just moved into Netherfield Park. Hopefully lots of Pokémon there. I guess the park is a house? The whole Bennet household wants to meet them, begs Mr. Bennet to invite them over, but he really DGAF. Best quote:
Mrs. Bennet: “Mr. Bennet, how can you abuse your own children in such a way? You take delight in vexing me. You have no compassion for my poor nerves.”
Mr. Bennet: “You mistake me my dear. I have a high respect for your nerves. They are my old friends. I have heard you mention them with consideration these twenty years at least.
Mr. Bennet immediately takes first place for best character so far.
Chapter II
Mrs. Bennet: It sucks we can’t meet Mr. Bingley.
Mr. Bennet: Yep, it sure does.
Mrs. Bennet: I don’t even want to meet him any more I am so grumpy.
Mr. Bennet: Well that’s unfortunate cuz I already met him and invited him over for dinner.
Mr. Bennet holding first place strong.
Chapter III
Drama on the dance floor. Apparently, who dances with who and in what order is very important. Most of this chapter is devoted to that topic, actually. We meet Mr. Darcy who is super handsome, but in the words of the poet laureate Afroman: “Your pretty face don’t match that nasty attitude”
Chapter IV
You know what’s even better than a ball? Gossiping about the ball afterwards.
Chapter V
We’ve had one gossip about the ball yes, but what about SECOND gossip. Now featuring 50% more Lucas family.
Chapter VI
Party at Netherfield. Catherine Lucas’s (Elizabeth’s bestie) advice to Elizabeth: Make sure you marry based on the material advantage that person will provide. Get to know them as little as possible before you marry them because you may discover you don’t like them. Then, once you are married, spend as little time as possible with them so they don’t get on your nerves.
Meanwhile…
Mr. Darcy: [looking at Elizabeth]: Do I…do I like his girl? Do I…think she’s cute? I am confused.
Elizabeth: You suck.
Mr. Darcy: Oh yeah, I totes like her.
Chapter VII
Catherine and Lydia gossip about officers. Then this happens:
After listening one morning to their effusions on this subject, Mr. Bennet coolly observed,
“From all that I can collect by your manner of talking, you must be two of the silliest girls in the country. I have suspected it for some time, but I am now convinced.”
Catherine was disconcerted, and made no answer; but Lydia, with perfect indifference, continued to express her admiration of Captain Carter and her hope of seeing him in the course of the day, as he was going the next morning to London.
“I am astonished, my dear,” said Mrs. Bennet “that you should be so ready to think your own children silly. If I wished to think slightingly of any body’s children, it should not be of my own, however.”
“If my children are silly I must hope to be always sensible of it.”
“Yes — but as it happens, they are all of them very clever.”
“This is the only point, I flatter myself, on which we do not agree. I had hoped that our sentiments coincided in every particular, but I must so far differ from you as to think our two youngest daughters uncommonly foolish.”
Mr. Bennet holding it strong. Then Jane gets a summons by Miss Bingley to go gossip at the Bingley’s, so she dashes off in the rain, gets sick, and then Elizabeth comes over to tend to her. Mrs. Bennet is delighted because it means Jane will stay a while and she totally ships Jane and Mr. Bingley. She hopes Jane will stay sick a long time because she is an awesome parent.
Elizabeth treks through the mud to the Bingley’s, and lots of drama ensues.
Chapter VIII
Elizabeth hangs out at the Bingley’s. Miss Bingley has the hots for Mr. Darcy. Mr. Darcy is obsessed with Elizabeth, Elizabeth hates both of them. VERBAL SPARRING INTENSIFIES.
Chapter IX
Darcy V. Bennet – The showdown
Who is better, country folk or city folk? Meanwhile Mrs. Bennet and Rosencrantz and Guildenstern come over to visit. Mrs. Bennet does her best to be as cringe as possible.
Chapter X
Boring aristocrats doing boring aristocrat things. Miss Bingley does her best to flirt with Mr. Darcy, who is totally not having it. They all get into a debate over penmanship.
The next day, Mr. Darcy and Miss Bennet go on a walk in the garden, and she tries to convince Mr. Darcy that Lizzy is awful, which really just makes him like her more. He is not used to people treating him like garbage, which I guess is what he wants? They run into Lizzy and Mrs. Hurst, who are also walking in the garden. Mrs. Hurst, who considers Lizzy “When you get your walking companion from Wish”, dumps her in a hot second to hang out with her sister and Darcy. Darcy hesitates and tries to invite Lizzy, but she is like “You three are the worst and deserve each other.”
Chapter XI
Jane is finally feeling better, and they all hang out doing more boring aristocracy stuff. Miss Bingley spends the whole time saying: HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!
Chapter XII
Lizzy and Jane want to go home. Their mom is mad that she isn’t sick anymore cuz she wanted them to stay longer. They go home.
Chapter XIII
The Bennets get a letter from Mr. Collins, a distant cousin who is set to inherit their estate when Mr. Bennet kicks the bucket. This is pretty crappy for everyone involved, since it means Mrs. Bennet and the spinster daughters will all get tossed on the street the moment Mr. Bennet dies.
Mrs. Bennet: He is awful and I hate him.
Mr. Bennet: You might change your mind if you read the letter.
Mrs. Bennet: No! Nothing he can say will change my mind.
Mr. Bennet: Just read the letter.
The letter is full of how he wants to visit, thinks they are all great, such a bummer he is inheriting everything, etc.
Mrs. Bennet: Oh he is awesome! He should totes marry one of the daughters. Cousin lovin’ for the win!
Chapter XIV
Mr. Collins shows up and we quickly discover that he is not, in fact, awesome. He launches right into telling us all how he is hands down the most modest, righteous, and all-around humble guy ever.
Chapter XV
Mr. Collins wants to marry Jane. He learns she is taken, so he’ll settle for Elizabeth. Yeah, that’ll end well, I’m sure. They all take a stroll to their aunt and uncle’s house where we discover that Mrs. Phillips’s (their aunt) favorite past time is staring at people out her window.
Chapter XVI
A contingent of soldiers have been stationed in Meryton. The girls are totally boy crazy. Well, Catherine and Lydia mostly, but hey, they all single, they all ready to mingle. The Bennet sisters and Mr. Collins head to the Phillips’ house to go boy shopping have dinner with the officers. Elizabeth sits next to super-hot Mr. Wickham and their conversation goes like this:
Mr. Wickham: I really shouldn’t speak badly of Mr. Darcy but he is the absolute worst.
Lizzy: Oh, I know! Give me the deets!
Wickham: No no, it’s really not my place to expound on all the ways that he is terrible.
Lizzy: Oh no, go on.
Wickham: Well, if I were so inclined to articulate the exact reasons he takes being appalling to a new level, which I definitely am not, I should say that it’s as if he went to the University of Vile Nastiness and majored it Being Despicable with a minor in Being a Pompous Ass. But of course, I would never say such a thing.
Chapter XVII
Lizzy tells Jane all the ways that Mr. Darcy totally sucks, and she can’t believe that someone as awesome as Mr. Bingley would knowingly associate with that scum, so there must be some sort of misunderstanding. She tells Lizzy:
“For they were both of them deceived, for another ring was made. In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord forged in secret a master ring, to rule all the pompous aristocrats. And into this ring he poured all his Pride, his Prejudice, and his will to dominate all landed gentry.”
My guess is that the Dark Lord is Mr. Collins patroness, Lady Catherine De Bourgh, since she is apparently Mr. Darcy’s aunt and probably lives in a forbidding tower, so Jane really should have used feminine pronouns, but she probably doesn’t know the Dark Lord’s true identity yet.
They get invited to the Netherfield ball where I am sure all my suspicions will be confirmed.
Chapter XVIII
The Netherfield Ball
All aboard the Awkward Express with non-stop service to Cringetown! Seriously, it’s like Billy Mays roped the entire Bennet family (Plus Mr. Collins) into a pyramid scheme selling embarrassment. Every time one of the family causes the entire room to facepalm another one steps in to declare “But wait! There’s more!!!”
Meanwhile Jane is convinced that Mr. Wickham caused his own misfortune because Bingley told her that he seems to recall Darcy saying something along the lines of Wickham being in the wrong. That checks out as unbiased, firsthand, and accurate, so I am sure it is true.
Mr. Bennet makes some popcorn and sits back to watch the social trainwreck that is his family unfold, because he is still the best character.
Chapter XIX
Mr. Collins: Marry me?
Lizzy: Just imagine the most vehement rejection ever and then multiply that by ten. Then run over to your dealer’s house and pick up a big bag of nope. Stop at the corner store on your way home and buy some No-ritos and that might come close to how sincerely I mean it when I say absolutely not.
Mr. Collins: Oh pish posh, women say no when they really mean yes and usually it takes like three or four times of asking before they give in.
Lizzy: Oh lordy, No means no my dude.
Mr. Collins: Listen, let me break it down like a fraction for you: I’m rich, you’re not exactly a catch so you will literally never have enough offer, you’ll make me happy, which is really all that matters. I mean, YOUR happiness is so inconsequential as to be laughable, and I am the most awesome person ever, so of course you mean yes. There is no conceivable reason that someone would not want to marry me.
Lizzy: I just remembered there is a big sale on “Oh hell no” at the Absolutely Not store, so Ima BRB.
Mr. Collins: Ok cool, I’ll be here when you come back with some of the yes you obviously mean.
Chapter XX
Mrs. Bennet: So how did the proposal go that she totally accepted?
Mr. Collins: Oh, she said no actually, but she really meant yes, so it’s cool.
Mrs. Bennet: Ummm….actually no means no. I know it’s silly, but she thinks her opinion matters.
Mr. Collins: Ooooohhh…..yeah….not sure I want a woman who actually thinks she is allowed to think.
Mrs. Bennet: Oh don’t worry, she only has a brain on this one particular matter and literally nothing else. Plus Mr. Bennet and I will force her to say yes.
[Mrs. Bennet runs to Mr. Bennet]
Mrs. Bennet: Mr. Collins proposed to Lizzy and she said no!!!
Mr. Bennet: Okay, well, no means no, so……
Mrs. Bennet: Stop being sensible! She has to say yes!
Mr. Bennet: Okay, then tell her she has to say yes.
[summons Lizzy]
Mr. Bennet: Mrs. Bennet says Mr. Collins proposed and you said no.
Lizzy: Pretty much
Mr. Bennet: And Mrs. Bennet says you have to marry him, right?
Mrs. Bennet: Yes, or I will never see her again!
Mr. Bennet: Well that sucks, since if you DO marry him I’LL never see you again, because it would involve seeing HIM again, and that’s a hard no for me.
Mrs. Bennet: [activates maximum fluster] BuT mR. Bennet! YoU pRomiSeD yOu WoUlD fOrCe HeR tO mArRy HiM!!!!!!
Mr. Bennet: That’s not how I remember it, so let’s just end this conversation cuz you’re being super Extra right now.
The rest of the chapter consists of Mrs. Bennet running around like her hair is on fire saying variations of “Do you want to die a penniless spinster? Because this is how you die a penniless spinster.” And Lizzy saying “Wha-ev-ah! I do what I want!”
Chapter XXI
Mr. Collins is determined to stay till Saturday like he originally planned even though it is super extra awkward having him around after the whole failed proposal thing. They all head over to Meryton and Miss Lucas takes one for the team to listen to Mr. Collins gripe about how no one understands his awesomeness.
They head back home, and Jane gets a letter from Miss Bingley: “We are all headed back to London and won’t be returning. Mr. Bingley has the hots for Darcy’s sister, and they are definitely gonna shack up, so sucks to suck Jane but you lose. Let’s stay friends though, cool?”
Jane: Oh no! And I really thought he liked me too ☹
Lizzy: Yeah, he obviously does, so Miss Bingley prolly just wrote that cuz 1) We smell like poor ppl and she wants that cheddah cheese and 2) She has the hots for Darcy, so if Bingley hooks up with his sister, it makes it easier for her to hook up with Darcy.
Jane: You seem to forget that I am incapable of thinking ill of people (as evidenced by my inability to think Darcy is terrible) so there is no possible way that Miss Bingley would do me like that.
Lizzy: Uh, okay, don’t think that’s true.
Jane: My brain does not compute this possibility.
Lizzy: Okay, well let’s go with Miss Bingley is lying to herself too and call it good.
Jane: That works, I feel better now.
Chapter XXII
Miss Lucas again takes one for the team.
Miss Lucas thinks to herself Self, Lizzy is super grateful I am letting Mr. Windbags blather on at me cuz she doesn’t know it yet but Ima make that long winded idiot my sugar daddy. Not because I love him, or even like him, but I TOLERATE him. He only makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit every time I see him, and that’s the important part. Plus I have a powerful desire to not die a penniless old maid.
Mr. Collins proposes, Miss Lucas says yes and settles down to calculate how long till Old Man Bennet dies and she gets some of that sweet sweet Lougbourn dolla dolla bill.
It’s time for Mr. Collins to go so he says goodbye. At this point Mrs. Bennet has lost any reason to put up with him, so they are all glad to see him go.
Mrs. Bennet: Welp, thanks for coming! Sooooooooo sad to see you go. Come back anytime.
Mr. Collins: Cool, thanks for the offer, I’ll be back next weekend.
Mrs. Bennet: Oooooooohhh……Did I say anytime? I really meant hopefully never.
Mr. Collins: Nope, no backsies, you offered. Ima be back soon.
Mrs. Bennet: G%$#@&=*%!!!!! No, that’s not what I mean.
Mr. Collins: Sorry what’s that? You can’t wait? Neither can I!
Chapter XXIII
Sir William (Charlotte Lucas’ dad) comes by to tell the Bennets that Charlotte and Mr. Collins are now engaged.
Mrs. Bennet: No no, you must be mistaken. Mr. Collins has the hots for Lizzy.
Sir William: Well yes, but actually no, she’s marrying Charlotte.
Mrs. Bennet: No, she’s not.
Sir William: Not sure how else to tell you that yes, she is.
Mrs. Bennet: No, I don’t want to believe it is true. Therefore it cannot be true, because that’s how logic works and I am super logical and not at all an over-the-top emotional drama queen.
Elizabeth: Uhh, actually, yeah mom, he is marrying her. Charlotte told me.
Mrs. Bennet gets shocked into silence, until Sir William leaves, and then begins to rant nonstop about how they are doing this solely to hurt her, how selfish her children are to not think about her as much as she thinks about her, and how she is the most ill-used person of all time. Mrs. Lucas comes by a lot to rub it in her face that Mr. Collins chose Charlotte over Lizzy, which honestly kind of serves her right since the last time they hung out Mrs. Bennet was basically like “I’m so glad that Mr. Bingley and Jane are gonna hook up. It’s a perfect match cuz he is really rich. Sucks to be you Lucas family.”
She goes to rant to Mr. Bennet about how the second he dies they will all become homeless due to little miss homewrecker, and Mr. Bennet is just like “Well look on the bright side, maybe you’ll die first.” This goes over as well as you might expect but at this point I think Mr. Bennet is basically lapping all the other characters on the racetrack of most awesomest character in the book.
Mr. Collins comes back, which is totally not at all awkward, but he spends most of his time “Love making” over at the Lucas household.
END OF VOLUME I
VOLUME II
In which the chapters reset to 1, which is not all confusing and annoying.
Chapter I
Jane gets a letter from her bestie Miss Bingley in London with the rest of the Bingley/Hurst/Darcy crew:
Dear Jane,
We have settled in London and will never return. You are dead to Mr. Bingley who has tossed you aside like a moldy sack of tangerines. You have absolutely no chance with him and will probably die alone. Miss Darcy is awesome in totally every way and it is basically a given that you lose and she wins. They are 100% going to be love making* soon cuz their love grows hotter daily.
Love you lots!
XOXO
Miss Bingley
*Love making totally doesn’t mean what I thought it meant in this context.
Jane and Lizzy finally get away from their mom, who spends her time storming around mad that no one decided to be miserable like a dutiful child should.
Jane: It’s okay, I’ll get over it. People are actually good all the time without exception.
Elizabeth: Have you ever considered that maybe people AREN’T all good? I mean, I think a lot of them are in fact quite bad, especially the new ones I meet.
Jane: Nah, Look at Mr. Collins and Charlotte, they’re both super!
Elizabeth: Saying they are super is an insult to superness.*
*What’s that dear reader? You say superness isn’t a real word. Who’s writing this review? Me or you? Besides, YOU’RE not a real word, so THBPBTHPT!!!
Chapter II
Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner (Mrs. Bennets brother and sister-in-law come) come to visit. The first thing we learn about them is everyone in town is so surprised they have good manners and are generally likeable that they can hardly believe they are related to Mrs. B. When they arrive the very first conversation between the totally levelheaded Mrs. B and Mrs. Gardiner goes like this:
Mrs. B: Let me tell you how terribly I have been abused by literally everyone. Can you believe the Lucas’ accepted a marriage proposal from Mr. Collins even after Lizzy straight up denied him? It’s almost like they think no means no and Lizzy wasn’t going to eventually say yes and make herself miserable like she was supposed to. They didn’t even insist that he marry one of my other daughters. How dare they think of their own daughter. It’s almost like they don’t want her to die in poverty or something. The selfishness of some people. Everyone should think of ME first. Like I do.
Mrs. Gardiner: That’s nice dear. I’m gonna go…not…around you…now. Have fun sulking!
[ Mrs. Gardiner goes to hang out with Lizzy alone. ]
L: Jane is super bummed that things didn’t work out with Mr. Bingley.
G: Yeah well flighty guys gonna flighty.
L: Yeah but her friends suck and Jane seems to think they don’t. I think they had something to do with it because flighty guys don’t go from VIOLENTLY* in love to flighty in like two days.
* From context, I am guessing this does not mean actual violence, but hey, Rule of Thumb times, so…maybe?
G: How violent was their love?
L: Super duper violent. Like fisticuffs level violent.
G: Oh, then yeah, that sounds like it’s off the violence charts. She should come back to London with us and hang out to get her mind off it. Not sure if you knew this but cities are actually really big and she most likely won’t run into any of them.
I have a feeling they are definitely gonna run into them and drama is gonna go down.
Oh, and Mrs. Gardiner and Mr. Wickham meet at a dinner party and find they are both from Derbyshire, so he fills her in on the news from five years ago when he was last there cuz old news is better than no news.
Chapter III
Mrs. Gardiner: Hey Lizzy, heard you kinda have the hots for Mr. Wickham, Make sure you don’t fall in love with him. He is a great guy and you couldn’t do better, but he’s not super rich, and remember my motto: Cash Rules Everything Around Me. C.R.E.A.M. Get the money. Dolla Dolla Bill y’all*
*This line is often miscredited to the Wu-Tang Clan, but it definitely appeared word for word in Pride and Prejudice first. Look it up if you don’t believe me.
Lizzy: You are absolutely right and not at all shallow.
G: Good, so you’re not gonna go try to get a piece of that piping hot Wickham Pie, right?
L: Well, not gonna chase it no, but if it happens to wind up on my plate and I take a bite, that’s just fate I guess.
G: Despite my stern warning to make sure you do NOT that, I am weirdly totally fine with it.
Charlotte Lucas is now Mrs. Collins, because marriage, so her plan to be miserable but not destitute worked. Yay for practicality! She makes Lizzy promise to write and visit.
Meanwhile, Jane writes to Lizzy from London:
Dear Lizzy,
You’re never going to believe this but it turns out Miss Bingley is actually pretty crappy. Can you believe that she was trying to keep me away from Mr. Bingley? If only someone had warned me.
Lastly, we find out that by an extraordinary coincidence Mr. Wickham suddenly realized some other girl in town was actually super cute at the exact same time he discovers that said girl just got a windfall of cash. Those two observations by him are definitely unrelated, but certainly fortuitous, so he friend zones Lizzy. Cute guys gotta eat too y’all.
Chapter IV
Things are so super boring at Longbourn that Lizzy decides maybe Charlotte and Mr. Collins aren’t totally scum, but more like scum lite and she should make good on her promise to visit them. Plus Rosencrantz, Guildenstern and her mom all kinda suck, so getting away from them is a plus. As you may recall, Mary only appears when she has something to contribute to the plot, which is mostly never, so her presence at the household is irrelevant. The awesome level of her dad is outweighed by the combined dumpster fire of the rest of the household, so Lizzy agrees to accompany Charlotte’s dad and sister on a visit TO Charlotte and Mr. Collins. Along the way they will make a pit stop in London to say hi to Jane.
Her dad will miss her though. So much so that she has to promise to write him. He even might consider writing her back, which I guess is as close to saying “I love you” As Mr. “I have lapped everyone twice now in the Best Character 500” is capable of saying.
I could not do better to describe the trip than Ms. Austen herself: “Sir William Lucas, and his daughter Maria, a good-humoured girl, but as empty-headed as himself, had nothing to say that could be worth hearing, and were listened to with about as much delight as the rattle of the chaise.”
Mrs. Gardiner and Lizzy chat and Mrs. G is all kinds of upset that Wickham is a gold digger. Apparently, it is a requirement for Lizzy to be attracted to someone rich, but deplorable for Mr. Wickham to do the same.
Chapter V
They arrive at the Collins’ house. Mr. Collins proceeds to point out every. Single. Thing. And specifically to Lizzy:
See this doorway? This could have been YOUR doorway Lizzy. Check out this side table. Guess whose side table it isn’t? Yours again. And how about this doily? Totes not yours. Moving on to the garden. Isn’t it the best garden you’ve ever NOT had? Love me some gardening. This is where Charlotte tells me to spend most of time because I enjoy it and it’s good for my health and not at all because she likes me to be as far away from her as possible at all times. Moving into the fields, let’s take a walk while I point out every single tree and flower that could have been yours.
Oh but the ladies don’t have their “listening to more drivel” shoes on so they go back to the house while sir William and Mr. Iholdtheworldrecordforthelongestnonstopbabbleever tour the grounds. Lizzy discovers it’s actually a nice house when not described by Ben Stein.
The next day Mrs. Jenkinsen (who I assume is some sort of henchwoman for Lady de Bourgh) and Miss de Bourgh roll up in their Cadillac and invite them to dinner. Miss de Bourgh is all sickly and skeletal. Basically Gollum in a Regency dress. Not to be confused with a Victorian dress. Colleen (my wife) informs me they are drastically different, and it is blasphemous to confuse two.
Chapter VI
Dinner time with The Dark Lady of Rosings*. Mr. Windbags knows The Bennet family are like two steps above peasants, so he describes in detail how super fancy her place is in order for them to be properly awed. He also assures them that their discount rack level clothes are actually a plus, because looking like trash helps Darth de Bourgh feel smug, and aiding narcissists in their delusions is definitely a good thing, he assures them.
To the relief of everyone, Mrs. Collins does the introductions instead of Mr. Humblebrag. It becomes readily apparent why the Dark Lady surrounds herself with sycophants. She is everything Mr. WhenIgrowupIwanttobeaprofessionalterriblehumanbeing aspires to be.
Gollum spends the whole time being pale and sickly. I am guessing Our Lady of Perpetual Condescension continually saps her excess life force to maintain her immortal half-life all Voldemort style. According to South Park that’s what happens in Great Expectations, and, having never read that book myself, I can confidently say it is accurate. By extension, this means all old timey British books have at least one Voldemort character, and Lady de Bourgh is this one’s.
* Rosings is the name of Sauron’s…er… Lady Catherine’s (AKA Lady de Bourgh) estate.
Chapter VII
Sir William leaves. The ladies hang out in the back room avoiding Mr. Collins. Lizzy wonders why she chooses a tiny, uncomfortable room to hang out in instead of the better furnished dining-parlour. She realizes though that this room does not have a window facing the road, and Mr. Collins is doing his godly duty to spy on everyone he can. A comfortable roomy space is basically open invitation for Mr. Windbags to go on a lengthy discourse of all the furnishings that Lizzy could have had if she had climbed on board the express train to Collinsville when she had the chance, so the tiny room without a view is preferable.
Darth de Bourgh is on her way into town to boss people around and stops by to give helpful advice on how bad they are at doing everything from needlepoint to breathing.
Mr. Darcy and Colonel Fitzwilliam come to visit. Apparently everyone knows Darcy has the hots for Lizzy, cuz Charlotte is all “Your milkshake truly does bring all the boys to the yard dearest Lizzy.” I threw up in my mouth a little at that line. How crass.
Chapter VIII
Now that Darth de Bourgh has other, slightly less annoying company, she realizes that the Collins’ and Lizzy are basically when you get your dinner guests from Wish. She finally invites them over as an afterthought, and promptly ignores them. Colonel Fitzwilliam conversates with Lizzy about music and soon Darth de Bourgh and Mr. Darcy get all hot and bothered that they’re not the center of attention, so they butt in on the music conversation. The Dark Lady informs them she has the best taste in music in the whole country and how she never bothered to learn to play because she was certain she would be the absolute best. Gollum, of course, would be equally adept were her health to allow it. Why bother learning when you already know how perfect you are, amirite?
Elizabeth plays piano for them while Our Lady of Perpetual Condescension repeatedly tells her how practice is important if you are to be any good. Of course, all the practice in the world will never equal Gollum’s hypothetical talent, nor her own.
Chapter IX
Lizzy is hanging out at the house while everyone else is busy being not at the house, when Mr. Darcy drops by. They are both startled since he thought she was not alone, so he did the only respectable thing and barged in and sat down. In silence. Eventually they have an awkward conversation about literally anything except his secret crush on her.
Charlotte and her sister walk in on their scandalous awkwardness and Darcy leaves. They discuss the implications of him having come over and come to the conclusion that he must be bored. Seems like the only possible conclusion cuz a dude with a crush would definitely not be super awkward. I mean, awkwardness has never occurred during courtship ever in the history of courtship.
He then makes it a habit to come over and sit silently as often as possible and no one can figure out why. None of this sounds creepy at all. Totally normal to come visit just to sit and silently stare at women. Seems legit.
Chapter X
Lizzy goes on walks in her private secluded area and Darcy keeps “accidentally” bumping into her. She is much disturbed because she has clearly told him this is her turf and even marked it with bear claw marks and such. Then he has the gall to walk her back to the parsonage. Silently. To be fair I guess dude is the strong silent type. Like me.
Then one day Colonel Fitzwilliam takes a walk and bumps into her. The conversation goes like this:
Elizabeth: Since when do you walk?
Fitzwilliam: Whenever Darcy allows it. I have to do what he says you see because hea has money. I have to live a wretched life of self-denial since I am a second son and slightly less rich.
E: So, sometimes you don’t get what you want?
F: Well, no, I’m still rich, but not super rich. Like, I can’t buy a diamond encrusted pony or something if I wanted. It’s a major bummer.
E: Sounds rough.
F: Well, there’s other stuff I can’t do. Like, I am used to really nice stuff all the time, so I can’t marry whoever I want, I have to marry someone who is also rich or I’ll have to get slightly less nice stuff. Like a topaz encrusted pony. Can you imagine the shame?
E: Ah, so you are basically Darcy’s henchman so you can have a steady supply of glittering equine.
F: Nah we are platonic co-parents to his sister, which sounds totally weird but that’s how we rich folk do. We’re basically the Alabama of England. Plus Darcy is good people, he totally talked Mr. Bingley out of marrying someone. Something about how she was awful.
Elizabeth conjectures it was Jane and has a BIG A N G E R Y.
Chapter XI
Lizzy rereads all of Jane’s letters so she can project an extra serving of misery onto them based on her new gossip intel. Then Mr. Darcy comes to visit.
D: Look, here’s the deal. I really wanted to dislike you because you’re poor and totally beneath me, but despite my best efforts, I do like you. I like you so much I can overlook your inferiority and the fact that I could do way better. It’s taken me a while for my undeniable love of you to overcome my disdain for your station in life and force me to ask you to marry me. I am going to say I am nervous you that will say no because that’s what I’m supposed to say but I know you’ll say yes.
E: Well, I would be flattered if your opinion mattered even a little to me, but I pretty much loathe you, so gonna go with a hard no.
D: But I said I could overlook how poor you are. That’s a big deal coming from someone as awesome as me.
E: Yeah, I might have been able to overlook the part where you’re awful and elaborated on my inferiority except that you also wrecked the Jane/Bingley courtship they had, which puts your badness level in an improbably high percentile.
D: What, you want me to be happy you’re so inferior? I said I didn’t want to like you but wound up falling in love with you anyway. Geesh, can’t you take a compliment? Also, I did Bingley a favor. He’s not rich enough to get bogged down in the likes of your family. My richness level is so high I can take a hit and still be richer than him.
E: Okay, and what favor did you do for Mr. Wickham by ruining his life just for funsies?
D: Gonna totally sidestep that question and instead assume you’re only saying no because I said you smelled like poor people.
E: Nah, there is no possible combination of words you could have strung together that would make me say yes. Your delivery just made me give you an extra serving of “Hell no” to go with your pre-order of “absolutely not” casserole that I 100% planned from the moment you opened your mouth.
Shortly after first meeting you I came the conclusion you are the last man I would ever marry, but after careful reflection I realize that you are actually the double plus last man I would ever marry.
D: Fine, just be that way. Also, because I am a English and invariably polite, have a nice day.
Chapter XII
Darcy writes Elizabeth a letter:
We both are better off just forgetting what happened, but first you owe it to me to allow me to tell you how you’re wrong. I’m sorry this will offend you, but any apology other than pointing out how you are wrong in addition to being poor is, of course, absurd. I am doing this in writing so you can’t interrupt me or give any witty comebacks, because that’s the sort of gentleman I am.
First about Bingley. I found out he was super into your sister and everyone expected them to be married. Even HE wanted to marry her! Can you believe it? I saw that she was cheerful and happy and nice to everyone, but really, she ought to have been nice to him and only him and kind of a jerk to everyone else if she really liked him. Plus let’s not forget how cringe your family is. I mean, you and Jane are cool, but the rest of the family? Eww gross. Talk about uncool. Couldn’t let him get caught up in thinking they were decent humans, now could I? I’m sorry to hear you think Jane got hurt but really, hear me out – Even though I truly desired my friend not to get bogged down in the likes of your family, I didn’t let that desire get in the way of my totally impartial assessment that he avoid you all like the plague.
After I made the decision that she was beneath him, I made every effort to throw as much shade as possible about Jane to Bingley. He actually thought she liked him so I made sure to shut that down. Oh, and I hid the fact Jane was in town from him too. I guess that last part was a bit crappy but the rest was perfectly reasonable, and totally becoming of a gentleman and a friend.
Now, onto Wickham. It’s true my father adored him and put him through school and all that. In his will he left him a thousand pounds and the first open spot for clergyman that became available. After both our folks died Wickham wrote to me saying he wanted to be a lawyer instead of a clergyman so he signed over his rights to the will in exchange for 3k pounds. I knew he wasn’t suited to be clergyman and detested him anyway, so sure. Done and done.
I didn’t hear from him for a while and then 3 years later found out he squandered the money and failed out of doctor lawyer school. He asked me again for his clergy opening and said it was his due. I said no, so then he joined forces with my younger sister’s governess to woo my sister (aged 15 at the time). Little sister agreed to elope with him, but I’m pretty sure he just wanted to get revenge on me and steal her fortune. I caught him just in time. So hopefully now you understand if I think I think he’s all around crappy. If you don’t believe me go ask Colonel Fitzwilliam. He can confirm the whole story.
Chapter XIII
Lizzy reads the letter. She concludes that Mr. Darcy was just as terrible as she suspected about his meddling with Jane/Bingley. But him actually being decent in the whole Wickham thing!?! INCONCEIVABLE!!! Has to be lies and…..um…lies. Sorry, couldn’t think of any descriptors other than lies. Super lies? Yeah, lies and super lies. Let’s go with that.
Anyway, then she starts to think on it and realizes she didn’t actually know anything about Wickham, and that his actions could be interpreted to fit the description Darcy had given. Like how he suddenly became smitten with the richest girl in town right after he dropped her like a sack of moldy tangerines. Plus, Darcy might be a prideful dick, but he hadn’t actually DONE anything questionable or immoral. Does that mean…he…he’s maybe not scum? I mean, him saying her family was embarrassing was rude but also totally accurate. Ugh. Now she feels super bad about herself because she got totally lied to by Wickham and gaslit by Darcy.
Up till now she thought Pride and Prejudice both applied to Darcy but maybe…maybe Prejudice applied to HER. She was…prejudiced against him from the start after all.
Chapter XIV
Darcy and Col. Fitzwilliam leave. Everyone decides to play a pick up game of Sadsketball. Darth De Bourgh is sad her two favorite henchmen left, so she invites the rest of the Collins gang over for dinner:
Darth De Bourgh: You seem sad Lizzy, you should stay a while longer.
L: Nah my dad needs me back.
D: Pish posh, fathers know that daughters are the bargain bin off brand of children you get when you can’t get sons. He totes won’t miss you. It’s you, so you can stay.
L: Nope, no can do.
D: Well, you can’t go alone, bargain bin children need men to take care of them.
Then she plays twenty questions about their travel plans, because two weeks is barely enough time to pick out which fancy hand fan to use let alone a whole two-day trip back home. To be fair though, when you’re the best at literally everything like Lady Lugubrious, it takes a lot of micromanagement to arrange anything.
Lizzy spends the rest of her stay at Rosings brooding about Darcy, because being miserable makes her really happy apparently. She feels bad, but still no regurts.
Upon further reflection, Darcy mainly wrecked the Jane/Bingley thing because Jane wasn’t obvious enough about her obsession with the Bingster, and the rest of the Bennets were so extra that only a super duper mutual affection could overcome the endless facepalms that would accompany association with the inevitable trainwreck of literally every social function with them. If only there was a way to make her family less cringe. Dad is too busy being awesome to care. Mom is, well….nuff said there. Catherine does whatever Lydia says, and Lydia says ‘flirt with all the soldiers you can and be all around ditzy’, so those two are hopeless. Mary won’t even factor into this close third person narrative of Lizzy’s thoughts because, as we have established, everyone forgets she exists. Basically it’s hopeless.
Chapter XV
Mr. Collins bids them adieu in one incredibly long, unbroken sentence moving from topic to topic so that no one had the chance to interrupt. It was really quite hypnotic.
Then they have a grueling four-hour trip to London.
Chapter XVI
Jane, Lizzy, and Maria (The Lucas daughter that went to Rosings with them) head back to Longbourn and meet Catherine and Lydia at an inn in town. They have Bought a big fancy lunch.
Lydia: Look at this great feast we treated you to as a surprise! By the way you have to pay cuz I spent all my money on a super ugly bonnet I found in a shop. It’s hideous, but all the other ones were even worse, so of course I bought it, because that makes total logical sense. Plus, once I tear it apart, buy some satin, and stitch it into something else, it will be slightly less repulsive, so I call that a win!
Now, on to business, and by business, I mean gossip.
[Jane and Lizzy shoo the waiter away so he can’t soak up all the juicy gossip deets]
Lydia: Oh, I don’t care if he hears. He’s ugly and has a long chin so he doesn’t matter, obviously. Wickham called it off with the rich girl so that tasty eye candy is all yours. Meanwhile we’re all gonna go follow the soldiers to Brighton (where they are headed next) for the summer so we can flirt with them some more! I can show off my soon-to-be-slightly-less-hideous bonnet and everything!
They spend the whole carriage ride home listening to Lydia and Catherine relate anecdotes that prove how totally embarrassing they are. Mrs. B is super glad to see Jane and even grudgingly admits Lizzy exists. She’s been mad at her ever since she refused Mr. Humblebrag.
They have a big dinner party at the Lucas’ and Lydia spends the whole time talking nonstop to anyone who will listen. Mary tries to say a few things but is promptly ignored Mary. Lydia gets 1 star from me. Would not recommend.
Chapter XVII
They go home and now that Catherine and Lydia are safely off in their room thinking about themselves, Jane and Lizzy have some proper grown up gossip. Lizzy relates the whole proposal/letter showdown, sans anything to do with Jane.
Jane: But Lizzy! DaRcY hAs FeElinGs!
Jim (me): Shut up Jane, quit being reasonable! Let me dislike Darcy in peace!
J: What’s that Jim? I can’t hear you behind the fourth wall!
L: Well since you feel so much regret and compassion on my behalf, I don’t have to feel either! Score! Weird though that Darcy had all the goodness and Wickham had all the appearance of goodness.
J: Well, I don’t think ill of anyone, so I don’t think Darcy looked as awful as you made him out to be.
L: True, but in my defense, mocking him was pretty fun.
Lizzy sees that Jane is still super sad. Her dad tells her to take comfort in knowing that Jane will die of a broken heart and then Bingley will feel bad for what he did. Cuz that’s comforting.
Chapter XVIII
Mr. Bennet won’t let anyone go to Brighton to follow the soldiers. When they leave, life will literally end for Catherine (AKA Kitty) and Lydia. Vicarious life will end for Mrs. Bennet too, because she is at about the same maturity level as Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and knows what it’s like to be all smitten and forgotten. Lizzy is reminded again of how totally justified Darcy was to call the whole family a social trainwreck.
But wait! Lydia gets invited by the commander’s wife to go to Brighton after all. Now she is suddenly focused on herself like always, but in a happy way! Her bestie, Kitty, is forgotten in a second, but to be fair I’m pretty sure the same thing would happen if the roles were reversed. Poor Kitty has to resign herself to being self-centered about her sadness instead of happiness.
Lizzy is convinced that any chance of Lydia growing up to be a decent human will evaporate if she goes, and tries to tell her dad to forbid it.
Mr. Bennet: The only way for her to learn sense is for her to make a total and utter fool of herself in public. Giving her the freedom to do so in Brighton is the best opportunity to have it be not my problem when it happens.
Lizzy: Pretty sure you’d feel differently if you knew what an embarrassment to the whole family she is.
B: Oh, did she scare off your suitors? Well, they should know what they’re signing up for up front. If they can’t handle our flaming trainwreck of a family, it’s best they get off at the first stop.
L: Nah, it’s not about me, it’s about all of us. She will become the epitome of the dingbat protagonist in a 90’s rom-com, only it won’t end in a happy marriage. It will end in the third act where she ruins everything, but before things get fixed. Then we will all hope that things will get resolved in Silly Lydia 2: Electric Boogaloo, only they won’t, because it will be another third act disappointment. And don’t even get me started on Silly Lydia 3: The Prisoner of Azkaban.
B: I can see you’re being all kinds of extra about this but look, she will be a total pain in the ass if she stays here. Plus, look on the bright side – she is too poor to have anyone care about her all that much, so she will be a mostly irrelevant flirt there. She’ll realize how unimportant she is, and honestly, not like she can get much lower on the scale of decent gentry.
Remember when I said he’s the best character in the whole book? Still true.
Fast forward to the night before the whole Brighton caravan departs, the officers come to dinner at Longbourn.
Wickham: So Lizzy, hear you went to Huntsford. How was it?
Lizzy: Good good. Fitzwilliam and Darcy came to chill.
W: [gulp] Oh, cool. So, um, Darcy still awful?
L: Nah he gets better once you get to know him.
W: Oh, so his manners have improved?
L: Nah, about the same, but I see where he is coming from now.
W: [big gulp] Yeah, well, he probably just seemed decent cuz…umm…he has the hots for Gollum…or something…
L: [Smiles in I Know What You Did Last Summer]
They are both glad when he leaves. Lydia leaves too.
Chapter IX
Oh, the folly of youth. You see young Mr. Bennet confused youth and beauty for decent character, and married Mrs. Bennet without realizing the contents of her head were 90% air and 10% hysteria. He soon realized his mistake, but since divorce was not cool back then, he decided to make the best of it and amuse himself by watching her be all extra and ridiculous, and avoiding her as much as possible. After all, when life gives you lemons, be glad you don’t have scurvy.
His whole laissez-faire attitude kind of bums Lizzy out cuz it means all the kids were basically free-range children growing up.
Now that the soldiers are gone, Longbourn consists of:
Mrs. Bennet & Kitty: I’m bored. I’m bored. I’m bored. I’m bored. I’m bored. I’m bored. I’m bored. I’m bored.
Jane: I’m sad but gonna pretend not to be even though I ooze sadness
Mary: I have no relevance in this section and as such will not be mentioned.
Lizzy: I am much less enthusiastic about being home than I thought I would be. This is depresso espresso. At least I have the trip to the lakes with my aunt and uncle to look forward to.
PLOT TWIST
Mrs. Gardiner, Lizzy’s aunt, is held up with business and gonna be late, so the trip to the lakes is cancelled. Instead, they are gonna go on a shorter trip to Derbyshire to visit Mrs. Gardiner’s old haunts, and, wait for it, VISIT PEMBERLEY! as you may recall, this is Darcy’s humble abode.
They get to Derbyshire and Lizzy is all kinds of nervous about visiting Pemberley the next day but can’t really say why without revealing too much. She asks the chamber maid if Darcy will be there and is assured he will not. Yeah, right. I am sure he will not make another appearance and Dramageddon will not occur.
That was sarcasm, by the way. The chances of Dramageddon NOT happening are about as good as the chances of Mary suddenly becoming important.
VOLUME III
Chapter I
They roll up to the Pemberley estate and it’s super nice. Like, they have a babbling brook and a wooded valley full of unicorns level nice. Lizzy fantasizes about being Mrs. Pemberley Estate. Before seeing the splendor here she thought she didn’t care about Mr. Collins and his really quite spectacular front door, but after seeing this, she realizes she still doesn’t care.
The maid shows them around and expounds at length on the many virtues of Darcy. Affable? Check. Generous? Check. The exact opposite of Lizzy’s opinion? Check.
Mrs. Gardiner: I am distrust. This doesn’t jive with how crappy he treated Wickham
Lizzy: Maybe Wickham lied to us.
G: Pish posh, we have it on the authority of one charming person who we know very little about, and that is infallible evidence my dear. He says Darcy is bad and therefore that is the unflappable truth.
L: I don’t think that word means what you think it means.
Now, I know I said earlier that the chances of Darcy and Lizzy meeting again were inconceivable, but in a totally unexpected surprise, they do. They proceed to have a “Hey, fancy meeting you here…” type of conversation but with like 500% more embarrassment on both sides. He is also way nicer than the last time they met, which is super confusing to Lizzy. It’s almost as if he has less pride, and she has less prejudice. Hmmm……must be a coincidence that the book has that title.
D: So……you gonna introduce me to your friends?
L: Oh, this is my aunt and uncle, the ones you thought were terrible. You know, like everyone else I am related to.
D: That’s not how I remember it. They seem cool.
L: umm……….[squints in distrust]
D: Right then. I’m gonna have some bro talk about fishing with Mr. Gardiner and then we can chat more. BTW, the Bingley crew is coming tomorrow and my sister really wants to meet you.
They chat and make a play date to go fishing in the morning. Then Darcy catches back up with Lizzy, who at this point is far ahead of her aunt and uncle.
L: Wait, does this mean you….don’t hate me?
D: What’s that? Pretty sure that was internal monologue and therefore I did not hear it. Let’s get back to the awkward silence we both love.
L: Perfect!
D: ………..
L: ………..
D: ………..
L: ………..
D: ………..
L: ………..
D: So……how about this weather eh?
L: Yeah, it sure is weathery alright
D: Super weathery.
L: Oh look, my aunt and uncle caught up to us. What convenient timing! Tootles!
Then, in the carriage ride back to the inn:
Mrs. G: he is super nice and way cooler than you portrayed him. What gives?
L: Oh…ummm…well…he’s nicer this time than the last time I saw him
Mr. G: He’s probably plotting something. No way someone like that does our boy Wickham wrong.
L: [Blinks in innocent]
Mr. G: Yeah, them proud folk can be fickle.
L: Yeah….Oh look! We’re home, what great timing!
Chapter II
Arrangements are made for Darcy to introduce his sister to Lizzy and friends at the inn. Resolving to make sure she does not miss seeing the guy she totally isn’t starting to like she sees a curricle rolling up. Had to look up what a curricle was but it’s basically like Sir. Xzibit, esq. went to Pemberley to pimp their ride. We’re talking spinning rims, undercarriage lights, “Honk if you’re rich” bumper sticker, and to top it off its being pulled by those unicorns I mentioned from the last chapter. Ladies want this curricle, men want to BE this curricle. Wait, what?
Like literally everyone else in the book except Lizzy, Aunt and Uncle Gardiner realize Darcy has the hots for Lizzy almost instantly. Everyone is super sus of everyone else, so our contestants…er…acquaintances enter the arena inn warily. Things are getting heated folks and then Bingley enters the fray and it’s a surreptitious glance-off extravaganza!
Bingley gazes at Lizzy while probably thinking about Jane. Lizzy counters with a side eye to Bingley and Miss Darcy to see if there really is a flame between them. Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner are working the crowd placing wagers on expectation vs. reality of all these new introductions. Bingley tells the exact date of the last time they saw each other and surreptitiously asks about Jane. Tries to sort of ask about her without being obvious but WAIT! Darcy saunters in from the sidelines and is nice and pleasant to everyone!!! is it a trap? Is it a lie? NO! It’s Civility!!!
Now dear reader, I know you paid for the whole seat (assuming you are reading this at home), but you’ll only need the edge. In a shocking twist, they are invited to dinner at Pemberley!!
What new verbal fencing matches will arise? Will Miss Bingley reveal herself and to be the terrible jealous succubus we all now know her to be? Will Miss Darcy say more than two words? Tune in next chapter to see the exciting continuation of PRIDE AND PREJUDICE!!!! [queue C.H.I.P.S end credit theme]
Chapter III
They arrive for breakfast, and in today’s arena we have Mrs. Hurst, Mrs. Gardiner (Mr. Gardiner is off fishing in full Dapper Dan regalia if the pic is to be believed), Mrs. Annesly (Miss Bingley’s governess), Lizzy, Miss Darcy, and Miss Bingley. My money is on Mrs. Gardiner, she seems both nice and not willing to deal with BS.
Miss Darcy is too busy being shy while looking disdainful to say much, and Mrs. Hurst and Miss Bingley are too busy being ACTUALLY disdainful to say much either. Thus Annesley and Gardiner hold the entire conversation until Darcy arrives, and then the real games begin.
Darcy starts by encouraging Lizzy and Georgiana (Miss Darcy) to chit chat and Georgiana tries her most bestest BUT WAIT! Miss Bingley comes in hard with a verbal jab about the soldiers! She was clearly hinting at Wickham and the partiality she thought Lizzy had towards him. Jokes on her though cuz she doesn’t know how Wickham is universally despised in the Darcy household. Lizzy plays it cool, which scores her more homeruns in the Darcy endzone. Or maybe it’s freethrows. Wickets? I dunno, however they score points in sportsball. Anyway, that pretty much killed the conversation, so Lizzy and Mrs. Gardiner leave. Miss Bingley starts talking all the shit she possibly could about Lizzy. This is a good idea, because she is trying to impress Darcy, and no one looks nearly so beautiful and radiant as when they are angrily badmouthing someone slese. I think my favorite jab is when she calls Lizzy’s teeth “tolerable”. That’s a low blow right there. Darcy just says “I think she’s hot.” And leaves the room. Take THAT Miss Bingley! Pfftfptffftph!!!!
In conclusion, I’m not sure who won, but I AM sure Miss Bingley lost.
Chapter IV
Silly Lydia 2: Electric Boogaloo
Jane writes Lizzy to tell her they received word that Lydia eloped with Wickham. She left a note to Mrs. Forster saying she was peacing out to Scotland. Colonel Forster goes on a manhunt and discovers they veered off to London and now no one is sure where she is. Lydia probably thinks she is off to Marriage City but everyone else thinks she is probably off to Murder Town. She is poor and obviously not much for gold digger Wickham to mine, so what other use would there be for her than stabbing? If Agatha Christie has taught me anything, it’s that Murder Town is usually the destination of choice in these situations.
Mr. Bennet is rethinking his plan to let Lydia go off and be foolish in Brighton so he resolves to go to London with Col. Forster and search for her. Jane wants Lizzy and the Gardiners to hurry home so Mr. Gardiner can talk Mr. Bennet out of doing anything rash.
Darcy walks in on Lizzy after she finished reading the letter and she explains what happened. He is all “Now that I have learned you Bennet peasants actually count as people, I have genuine concern.” Everyone flails around like wacky wobblers in the confusion of getting packed and ready and off we go to the next thrilling adventure!
Chapter V
They ride back home.
Mr. Gardiner: I’ve been thinking about it and maybe Wickham isn’t taking Lydia to Murder Town after all. I mean, he didn’t seem THAT bad, and he’s gotta know she has friends that would come looking for her.
Lizzy: Yeah, but marriage? What does Lydia have going for her besides youth, beauty, and an easy going personality? Remember that people like us only marry for money, so that’s not gonna happen.
Mr. G: Well surely she doesn’t love him enough to stay with him and NOT get married.
Lizzy: Hate to say it but yeah, she probably would, and don’t call me Shirley. She’s kinda dumb, remember? Plus, you don’t have to be married to get murdered. I mean, it definitely helps, but it’s not a requirement.
Mr. G: Well surely Jane wouldn’t think him all that bad.
Lizzy: Name one person that Jane thinks badly of. Plus, we all know Wickham is a stuck up, half-witted, scruffy looking nerf herder!
Mrs. G: Oh, and we know this how?
Lizzy: Remember all the shit he talked about Darcy? Then we met Darcy and found out that was a bag full of lies.
Mrs G: Then how does Lydia not know Wickham is scummy scum?
Lizzy: I never told any of the fam because if there’s one thing the upper class love more than gossip, it’s keeping secrets that eventually all get found out by the end of the book to the detriment of literally everyone. Well, everyone but Mary, cuz she doesn’t count as, you know, a person.
They arrive at Longbourn and everyone greets each other like flailing wacky wobblers. Really sad wacky wobblers. Mrs. Bennet puts on her favorite recording of “Everyone is out to make me miserable” because of course it has to be all about her. It went like this:
“If only you had listened to me about all of us going to Brighton, but nOoOoOoO, I got overruled, and this is what happened. Mr. Bennet is gonna get himself murdered by Wickham, then the Collinses are gonna dump us on the street, and it will all be solely because everyone is out to get me.”
Too bad Mr. Bennet isn’t there to reassure her that all of her worst-case scenarios have a 100% probability of that happening, since he is awesome like that. Instead, everyone tells her to calm down, which is an a reasonable idea since she is well known to listen to reason.
They all have a bunch of various sad conversations. I could elaborate, but you get the idea.
Chapter VI
All of Meryton is now on a mission to suddenly remember how they were suspicious of Wickham from the start and knew he was shifty. This, no doubt, has something to do with word getting around that he left debts all over town. Meanwhile at Longbourn they settle into a fun filled game of “Will we get any letters today?”
And yes! They finally do. Only it’s from Mr. Collins, so it’s both worthless and long winded:
Dear Mr. Bennet,
So sad to hear about your daughter. Too bad she’s not just dead instead, because now the whole family is disgraced by her actions. Charlotte thinks it’s that you are terrible parents, but I think it’s also because she is terrible as well. This whole debacle makes me extra glad that Lizzy turned me down last year. Otherwise I’d be involved too, so silver lining there. My advice is to disown her. Anyway, my condolences.
Your fortunate cousin,
Mr. Windbags
Mr. Bennet and Mr. Gardiner go on a manhunt. They find out that Wickham has like a grand’s worth of gambling debts in Brighton, and Mr. Bennet decides to come home while Gardiner continues the search. He decides to punish Lydia by forbidding Kitty from having any fun ever again. His exact words are:
“No officer is ever to enter my house again, not even to pass through the village. Balls will be absolutely prohibited, unless you stand up with one of your sisters.”
You hear that Kitty? No balls for you.
Balls. Hehehe.
Chapter VII
They get a letter from Mr. Gardiner. He found Wickham. He and Lydia are not married but he will get married if Lydia gets her share of the inheritance from Mr. Bennet up front plus 100 pounds a year. Mr. Bennet is much sus because Wickham would be an idiot to agree to that little. They all suspect Mr. G paid something to cover his debts. Lydia is double plus the worst. Jane thinks that they will help mellow each other out. Ridiculous people are usually encouraged to be more sensible by other ridiculous people, so this logics.
They go up to tell Mrs. Bennet, who immediately goes into a full on tizzy and wants to order all the things for the wedding. They try to remind her how shitty of a situation Lydia put them all in, but she is too busy flailing around to listen.
Chapter VIII
It is a truth universally acknowledged that Mrs. Bennet has but a sole brain cell in her head. This cell can only hold one thought at a time, of course, and at the present it is busily engaged in marriage preparations. It is entirely focused on picking out a new house for her daughter, and wedding clothes, and the dinner menu and so on. As you can imagine, this is quite enough to overload the cell, and thus it cannot have any remembrance whatsoever that Lydia has brought shame and disgrace on the family like white on rice on a paper plate with a glass of milk in a snowstorm.
It comes as an utter shock to Mrs. Bennet, therefore, when Mr. Bennet declares that there is a hotdogs chance in an eating contest of her receiving a single guinea for wedding expenses or anything else. The only disgrace that Mrs. Bennet’s already overtaxed brain cell can comprehend is the disgrace which would arrive from not having a nice wedding dress. Gotta have priorities I guess.
Meanwhile Lizzy is mortified that she told Darcy anything about it, because if their family was a flaming trainwreck before, it has now just collided with a dumpster fire. No way would Darcy touch that with a 39-and-a-half foot pole. Should have struck while the Darcy’s hot I guess. She realizes that his pride and her prejudice would have helped temper each other in the exactly the same way that Lydia’s awfulness and Wickham’s awfulness would not.
Hold on to your flabbers cuz they’re about to get gasted – Mr. Gardiner writes to tell them he is gonna cover ALL of Wickhams debts, and worked it out with Col. Forster to get him a permanent position in the army up north where everyone can conveniently forget Wickham exists.
Before they go into exile in the north they are gonna come visit Longbourn after the wedding. Will wacky hijinks ensue? Is that even a question?
Chapter IX
Lydia and Wickham get hitched and come visit Longbourn as promised. They are 100% no regurts. Everyone is disgusted by it except Mrs. Bennet. Her entire thought process consists of “My daughters should be married. Lydia is married. So this is good.” Literally any other thought is too complex for her. In a paradoxical twist, however, she is capable of a continual flow of words describing her single thought.
Meanwhile Lydia thinks she is all that and a bag of chips now that she is married. She demands to sit at the front of the table, wants to make sure the whole town knows she is married, offers to get her sisters married, is convinced everyone is jealous of her, and drones on and on about how great Wickham is.
I have to keep reminding myself she is a satirical caricature because barf. She is the absolute worst in exactly the same way that Mr. Bennet is the absolute best.
Lydia: Hey Lizzy, want to hear about my wedding?
Elizabeth: No. In fact, there is literally no word count too low for the description I would like to hear. I could search for years to find a reason to care about your wedding even a little bit and never find one.
Lydia: Lolz, okay, I’ll tell you all about it. Our aunt and uncle were grumpy for some reason, but I was too focused thinking about myself to care. They kept trying to lecture me about something, but I wasn’t listening. Also, Darcy was there, but that’s a secret that I shouldn’t share. My lips are sealed on that point for sure. Want to hear it?
Lizzy absolutely want to hear it, but like any proper English woman, she refuses to partake in such a violation of privacy. Instead, she will make sure she finds out the secret in the most complicated, roundabout way possible. Thems the rules. Thus, she writes to her aunt for the details instead. This way the suspense is carried into the next chapter. It may also possibly be so she can get an answer that doesn’t involve “Wickham is the best and everyone knows it.”
Chapter X
Mrs. Gardiner writes back:
Dear Lizzy,
Turns out Darcy felt guilty that he didn’t let everyone know how totally awful Wickham is. Otherwise even Lydia would not be dumb enough to fall for him. To make up for not badmouthing him to everyone, he left for London the day after us to hunt for Wickham. He bribed Mrs. Younge* to give up the deets, and being a trustworthy friend of Wickham’s, she promptly sold him out.
Armed with this intel, Darcy takes a full SWAT task force to storm the residence with tear gas and whatnot. Only this is England, so that really just means he strolled up to him all “I say old chap, this rakish attitude has put us all in a spot of bother, eh what? It would be smashing if we could settle this rather sordid affair without fisticuffs my dear boy.”
He tries to talk Lydia out of shacking up in sin, which is as effective as hiding a fart in an elevator, so instead he forces Wickham to marry her. You won’t believe this, but Wickham doesn’t actually really want to. He is holding out for someone richer. Shocking, right? Considering he has burned all the bridges around him though, and the SWAT team of “Tut tut my dear fellow, there’s a good chap” is cornering him, he accepts.
Next, Darcy goes to Mr. Gardiner and insists that he himself settle all of Wickham’s debts and have Gardiner take all the credit. It was an hour’s worth of “No no, I Insist” from Darcy and “I couldn’t possibly” from Gardiner. More than either of our delinquents deserve if you ask me.
So there you have it. Glad you wrote, what with Darcy being all “Not at all I’m sure” and refusing credit. This way I have an excuse to tell you that Mr. Not-so-handsome-as-to-tempt-me himself is to be thanked.
Dude is super solid. It’d be a real shame if someone were to, oh, I dunno, marry him. *hint hint*
Love,
Mrs. Idon’thaveafirstname Gardiner
Right after Lizzy finishes the letter, Wickham strolls up, and in proper British fashion they have a conversation where Wickham doesn’t exactly ask what Lizzy knows about Darcy’s involvement and Lizzy doesn’t exactly answer, but both seem satisfied with all the things not said.
I really hate to admit it, cuz Darcy was so unlikable at the beginning, but dude is pretty solid, settling all this himself. I actually kind of want to see them get together, which, I mean, I knew from the start was what happens, but still. He was just so crappy at the start of the book. Thanks a lot, unreliable narrator, for only presenting us with Lizzy’s prejudiced view and not being objective. Toying with my emotions. Grumble grumble.
*You may recall Mrs. Younge from earlier in the book. She was Miss Darcy’s governess who encouraged her to elope with Wickham and was subsequently banished.
Chapter XI
Lydia, oh wait, I mean mRs. WiCkHaM: oh no, time to go with MY HUSBAND. Cuz, you know, I’m married. Not sure I’ll write, because, again, MARRIED. I’ll be busy doing MARRIED things. My sisters can write to ME though. What with being losing losers with no husbands and all, they’ll have plenty of time.
Mr. Wickham: [ various sycophant sounds]
After they leave –
Mr. Bennet: Wow, he’s just so awesome. Even Mr. Collins can’t compare with how awesome he is, and that’s saying something!
Mrs. Bennet is now super sad because the single brain cell in her head can’t hang out with the single brain cell in Lydia’s head anymore and it’s all alone. Then Lizzy tells her that she heard from Mrs. Philips, who heard from Mrs. Nicholls, who heard it from the maid, that Mr. Bingley was coming back to his place at Netherfield. I am really glad the author explained the chain of custody of this information instead of just saying “Bingley is coming to town.”
Mrs. Bennet insists Mr. Bennet go say hi, but he refuses. She then uses her network of gossip girls to make sure she finds out when he gets to town so she can invite him to dinner. All for naught though since he shows up uninvited first thing, and he has with him a friend. Who could this friend possibly be?
It’s Darcy! I know you were probably expecting it to be some new character this late in the book, but no. Everyone is super annoyed at seeing Darcy since they have not been privy to the whole character arc thing he has had going on. They all still view him as “None so handsome as to tempt me.”
Lizzy decides to play it cool and wait for him to make the first move. Luckily, she doesn’t have to say much because her mom steps in to be as cringe as possible.
“You heard one of my daughters got MARRIED, right? It was in the paper and everything. For some reason that is beyond the scope of my single brain cell, they didn’t explicitly state who Lydia’s father was. How weird, right? Can’t possibly imagine why. Now they are way up north, for some equally baffling reason. It’s almost like people don’t like him. So strange.”
Really? Really Mrs. Bennet? You are as dense as…umm…something that is very dense. I dunno, I’m tired. Leave me alone.
Will the embers be rekindled for Lizzy, Darcy, Jane, and Bingley? With 60 pages to go and literally no other main characters as contenders for marriage, the possibilities of how this book might end are limitless. Much suspense. Many anticipation.
Chapter XII
Turns out Darcy and Lizzy are equally adept at waiting for the other person to make the first move, and it ends in a stalemate. She is super annoyed, so she goes out to the garden to settle it once and for all by finding a flower and playing “He loves me, he loves me not.”
Meanwhile Mrs. Bennet has gone from loathing Bingley for ignoring Jane to scheming for marriage because he was nice to them for like half an hour. Being civil is a100% guarantee of marriage, after all. That is one woman who holds fast to her opinion. Nothing changes her mind. Not at all.
They all come over for dinner. Bingley and Jane spend the whole time pretending to be indifferent because they think the other one isn’t interested. Darcy sits next to Queen Wacky Wobbler herself, who is totally rude the whole time. This, of course, is extra cringe since we, the reader, know what he did for the family. However, I think even if Mrs. Bennet WAS told, she would still be rude, because she was pretty oblivious to how bad the Wickham situation was in the first place.
They go to the drawing room for coffee and Lizzy tries to think of a way to get Darcy to propose again. Apparently it has taken her this long to realize the unlikelihood of him proposing again after she shut him down hardcore last time.
They all sit down to play cards and our two protagonists wind up at different tables. That doesn’t stop them from playing terribly though because they spend the whole time checking each other out though.
After dinner, Mrs. Bennet’s brain cell decides to turn its attention to scheming for marriage. Bingley smiled at Jane, and therefore their marriage is assured. After all, it is a perfect fit as he is rich.
Chapter XIII
Bingley comes back for dinner two days later, alone this time, because Darcy is off to London to do London things for the next few days. Probably drinking tea and admiring spices from distant lands or something. After dinner Mr. Bennet goes to the library and in a surprising turn of events the author remembers that Mary exists long enough to say that she goes off to her room where she can be properly forgotten. That leaves Queen Cringe, Kitty, Lizzy, and Jane.
Mrs. Bennet: [Winks at Kitty and Lizzy to encourage them to leave Jane and Bingley alone]
Kitty and Lizzy: [Are oblivious]
B: [Winking intensifies]
K and L: [Obliviousness intensifies]
B: [MAXIMUM WINKING]
K: Mom, what is wrong with your eye? Why do you keep winking?
B: What? My eyes are fine. No subtle hints in them whatsoever. But, um, on a totally unrelated note let’s go…um…talk in…not here.
Exit stage right
Jane: Throws look at Lizzy that says “Don’t you dare leave me]
B: Gonna need to talk to you too Lizzy.
They leave, and so does our unreliable narrator. Kitty and Mrs. B go up to Mrs. B’s room, so Lizzy and the narrator re-enter the drawing room to play chaperone like Jane wanted. Upon entering the drawing room I was hopeful we were going to discover Mr. Plum, with the lead pipe, because that is what happens in the drawing room. Always friggin’ Mr. Plum. But no, nothing happened. Not even a scandalous slow blink. Lame.
Bingley comes back to go shooting with Mr. Bennet the next morning. He is surprised at how awesome Mr. Bennet is, because he hasn’t really seen him lapping all the other characters in the book while he was off hanging out in Not-Netherfield.
He stays for dinner and Mrs. Cringe-A-Lot schemes again, only this time it is successful and Jane and Bingley wind up alone. Lizzy is unaware they are unsupervised and wanders off to write a letter. When she comes back she finds them doing something shocking! Simply shocking! They were…..whispering! I know! Scandalous! More exclamation points! How long can I keep up the suspense! Then they both blush hardcore and Bingley runs away. This proves the scandal was real and they were in fact having a….private conversation. This book is not PG anymore my friends. Jane relates the conversation to Lizzy, which is basically identical to how I asked Colleen to go out with me:
Me: So, umm…I kind of like you like maybe more than a friend.
Her: I guess that means I need to tell my mom.
Me: So…is that a yes?
Notice how I never really asked and she never really answered but we both sort of read between the lines? Maybe we are Victorian after all. Sorry, I mean Regency. There is a HUGE difference I am told.
Bingley asks the parents, they say yes and everyone spends the rest of the chapter high fiving each other. For like two-and-a-half pages. It’s like the Oprah of high fives.
Chapter XIV
Bingley and the family are all hanging out at Longbourn when an unfamiliar carriage rolls up. Bingley is like “Remember how your family is a caricature of embarrassment literally all the time? Let’s go canoodle in the bushes instead.” Off they go and the rest are left to discover the occupant of the carriage is none other than Darth De Bourgh! It becomes immediately apparent that she has been vigilant about keeping up her daily regimen of exercising her frown muscles and taking her daily dose of “I’m better than everyone” as her disdain is in top notch form. She asks Lizzy to take her on a tour of the grounds.
De Bourgh: You know why I’m here, of course.
L: Yes, but actually no.
D: Don’t you start with me young trollop! Word on the street is Bingley is about to seal the deal with Jane, and that you and my nephew are about to do the same. Of course I knew he would never lower himself like that, so I came here for you to tell me how totally beneath him you are and that this is a false rumor.
L: This is news to me but you coming here would seem to confirm it is not a false rumor.
D: Oh pish posh. You peasants must have spread the rumor yourselves. It is literally impossible he would have such poor taste. Tell me you aren’t marrying him.
L: Well, you said it’s impossible, so why bother asking?
D: It WOULD be impossible for any reasonable person, but you probably used your womanly wiles on him.
L: If I did, I would be too deceitful to tell YOU, wouldn’t I?
D: It is impossible he would ever marry you!
L: Sounds like you answered your own question then.
D: Listen here you little shit, he is intended for his first cousin Gollum. We will have incest like a proper English aristocratic family!
L: Pretty sure HE is the final deciding factor on who he marries, not you. He can pretty much marry whoever he wants, and if he asks me there is nothing stopping me from saying yes.
D: NoOoOoOoOoO!!! It is improper! I am not accustomed to not getting my way.
L: Well, sucks to suck then.
D: No! Darcy and Gollum are gonna hook up and make sickly children together and that’s that! Now tell me once and for all, are you engaged?
L: No
D: [Grins in disdain] Good, and you promise never to be engaged?
L: No
D: Well, I’m not leaving till you do.
L: Get ready to wait a long time then. Let me break it down like a fraction for you. You can’t make me promise, and even if you could, me promising not to marry him doesn’t automatically mean your daughter will.
D: Oh, but wait, I know all about Wickham and Lydia.
L: Okay. Cool?
D: [Sputters in “I can’t believe I’m not getting my way.”]
L: Right, well I’m walking away now. Have fun being all hot and bothered.
Something tells me we haven’t seen the last of her impotent rage.
Chapter XV
Mr. Bennet gets a letter from Mr. Collins and reads it to Lizzy:
Dearest Mr. Bennet,
My network of village gossips has informed me of the probable marriage of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth. First off, congrats. I’m sure you are all excited to be marrying rich. Don’t forget that you are totally beneath him, and that my idol, Darth De Bourgh, is opposed. She’ll probably make trouble, so it might be best if you learn your place and forget the whole thing.
Plus I heard about Lydia and Wickham and how you invited them to visit after the marriage. That’s cool, good on you for being Christian. I’d forgive them too, of course, but I would also cast them out and forbid them from ever seeing me as, again, any good Christian would do.
Anyway, hope you remember how much you all suck.
XOXO
Mr. Collins
Chapter XVI
Darcy comes over. Bingley decides they should all go for a walk. Mary is mentioned just long enough to say she isn’t joining them, and off they go. Darcy and Lizzy wander off alone.
L: I can’t thank you enough for helping the family out of that whole Wickham thing.
D: Yeah, you weren’t supposed to know about that.
L: Well, I do, and if my family knew they would thank you too, we owe you so much.
D: Pffttt, nah, I did it for you, not them. Because I love you. Speaking of me loving you, do you, uh, still feel like you did when you tossed me aside like a sack of moldy tangerines when I proposed? If so, I’ll just keep my sweet, sweet awesomeness to myself from now on.
L: Oh, no, I did a total 180 and now I want your babies.
The scene quickly turns to that soft lighting where she is all glowing and backlit. A symphony wanders in to play romantic music, and a super scandalous scene proceeds where they….( make sure to put your young impressionable tiny humans to bed before you read this part)…SMILE at each other. He is so VIOLENTLY in love that his eyes even twinkle a little. They skip down the lane together while cherubs toss flower petals.
The afterglow wears off, and Darcy tells her the only reason he knew he might have a chance was that Darth De Bourgh came barging in to tell him all about how she forbade it. When he heard her relate how Lizzy was just like “Wha-evah my ladyship, I do what I want.” He was like “I can haz hope?” Thanks Darth. It was like the Greek prophecy of warnings.
Darcy: Yeah I pretty much thought I had like zero chance, but then when De Bourgh was all hair on fire about the whole thing I figured you would have had just told her I suck if that’s what you still thought, so I got a little hopeful.
L: Yeah, sorry about that. I laid in to you hard when you proposed last time, and it was wrong.
D: No, you were right, I was acting pretty all-around crappy.
Then they spend the rest of the chapter trying to prove how each of them deserved the most blame. It’s like they were playing Hungry, Hungry Hippos and each wanted to gobble up all the blame they could.
Chapter XVII
Darcy and Lizzy keep their engagement secret secret cuz Lizzy knows that this whole closed third-person narration has not clued in the rest of the family that Darcy is now awesome. She tells Jane and even Jane decides to forgo her whole “I can’t think ill of anyone” routine in lieu of “What!?!? Hell to the no girl.”
Jane: You can’t be serious. You hate him.
Lizzy: That’s not how I remember it.
J: That is exactly how I remember it.
L: Well just un-remember that part.
J: Ok, well, umm, congrats on having a terrible memory?
L: Cool thanks.
J: Well in that case cool. We can go on double dates and play Double Dare and everything!
The next day Bingley and Darcy come back. Mrs. Bennet is all hot and bothered that Darcy keeps third wheeling Bingley and Jane, especially since everyone hates him.
Jane: I have a great idea, how about Lizzy, Kitty, and Darcy all go for a walk so they can be…not here…all day?
Mr. Bingley: Sure, but Kitty is probably not up for it. Isn’t that right Kitty?
Kitty: As I serve no purpose in this scene that is correct.
Mrs. Bennet: Cool, thanks for taking one for the team Lizzy. still think he is awful since I have no idea about how he bailed us all out with the Wickham thing and think he is awful. Chin up, you can keep conversation to a minimum.
Notice how Mary isn’t mentioned at all in the day’s plans? Honestly, why is she even in this book? She only appears to say “Hi everyone! Remember me? Yeah, I’m not in this scene either.”
During the walk they decide Darcy will ask her dad for his blessing and she will ask her mom. Depending on whether her mom’s sole brain cell is preoccupied with him being rich or him being disagreeable, it will go one of two ways: “Oh wow he is so rich, congrats on being rich but miserable! It’s what I always wanted!” Or “Ugh he is the worst. How absolute dare!” Either way, it’ll be a dumpster fire of emotion that Darcy could probably skip.
Darcy asks Mr. Bennet. presumably, but as we only get Lizzy’s POV in this book we only see when Mr. B comes out to ask Lizzy if she is for realsies. Then they have a repeat of the Jane conversation from last night.
Lizzy: Look dad, if your only concern is that you don’t believe me then just say yes.
Mr. B: I already did. I might be the best character in the book, but you gotta remember that us gentlemen need to play the game. I can’t say no to someone like Darcy. Plus, I know how extra spicy you are, and that if you were in a marriage where you didn’t like the husband you would probably be too busy speaking your mind and wind up like one of Henry VIII’s ex’s.
Mrs. B takes the “He is super rich” approach when she finds out and the rest of the chapter is spent pouring gasoline on that dumpster fire of “Wow, you will have so many nice things.”
Chapter XVIII
Conversation continues with our two love birds.
Lizzy: Why did you even like me in the first place? I was super salty to you literally all the time and you said I was ugly AF.
Darcy: I dunno, it just sort of happened.
L: Let me fill you in – You were sick of sycophants and people giving you blinky love eyes, so you liked having someone dislike you cuz it was a novel experience for you. It wasn’t that you liked me, I have no good qualities.
D: What about when you took care of Jane?
L: Pfft, who wouldn’t love her? Since you like being treated like crap I will make you happy by doing it continually. I’ll start by asking why you were so shy once you realized you liked me.
D: Cuz we were having an ignoring contest. Sort of like a staring contest, but more stoic.
L: True dat. I guess I lost when I thanked you for taking care of Lydia.
D: Nah, that didn’t count. The contest only ended when De Bourgh tried to tell me how awful you were. If there is one thing that attracted me more than you talking crap to ME, it was a relative talking crap about YOU. No one talks ill of my salty lady. Only she gets to frown at people. That reminds me, I should write a thank you letter to her.
L: Oh yeah, and I should tell my aunt Mrs. Gardiner that I get to live at Pemberly and ride unicorns all day.
Mr. Bennet: [Pops out from behind a bush] And I should write Mr. Collins and tell him to go suck an egg.
Mr. Bingley: [Also pops out from behind the bush] And I should write a letter to let my sister know!
Mary: [Seriously, how big is this bush?] Remember me? I have nothing to contribute to this chapter either.
Miss Bingley is super happy about the Bingley/Jane thing and pretends to be happy about the Darcy/Lizzy thing but we all know that’s a lie.
Before they hear back from Mr. Collins, they learn he and Charlotte decided to go hide from De Bourgh at the Lucas Lodge till De Bourgh’s wrath died down.
Chapter XIX
Epilogue
In which the happily ever afters of the characters are described.
The author hopes that Mrs. Bennet’s brain cell finds a friend, but doubts it. Mr. Bennet visits his favorite daughter a lot.
Mr. and Mrs. Bingley stay at Netherfield but being that close to the collection of dumpster fires that are the Bennet relations is too much even for their easy-going nature. After a year they move over to be near Pemberly so the four of them can all ride unicorns together.
Kitty spends more time with the older sisters and discovers that she doesn’t want to star in Silly Lydia 3: The Prisoner of Azkaban.
Mary remains unimportant.
Lydia writes Elizabeth basically saying “Yo, heard you’re rich now. If you want to throw us some of that Pemberly cheddah, you totally can cuz we are terrible at budgeting and are perpetually poor. Plus we keep getting kicked out of places for some reason.” Lizzy occasionally sends them money, and they spend their lives overstaying their welcome, and burning bridges.
Miss Bingley keeps her disdain of Lizzy to herself so she can come over and ride unicorns too.
Georgiana and Lizzy become besties.
Darth De Bourgh decides to take her newfound surpluses of spite and invest in a cauldron and spell book so she could be a full time evil sorceress.
The Gardiners keep being solid, if boring, folk.
The End